Enjoying the movement

Today was my third time out for a run since my shoulder strain forced me to take a break from my regular yoga practice. And it was…informative. The run itself did not feel good—in the slightest, because I pushed way too hard.

The first time, felt fantastic. I didn’t bring my watch—I didn’t have anywhere that I had to be and I wasn’t timing myself, so there was no need to bring it. I didn’t run on the jogging path, I ran on some trails through the lightly wooded area near the jogging path—I love trail running AND it’s easier on your body. I took breaks during the run—there were absolutely no goals, time or distance; I was just going out to enjoy the movement. It was also the perfect day as far as weather—sunshine, temps in the 50s, light breeze; perfect. After the run, I spent plenty of time enjoying some post-run yoga, took a shower, iced my foot and then went to a “yoga for runners” class. The class was really good and included just about everything that I did on my own after my run—which was very encouraging to know that I was thinking on the right path.

The second time was pretty good. I had to leave for work no later than an hour and a half after I started my run, which made me feel a little rushed, but it was ok, I wasn’t going to go too far. I brought my watch because I needed to know how much time it would take me to do my run, that way I knew how much time to leave myself for future pre-work, morning runs—but I was not timing myself, as in aiming for a specific finish time, I didn’t even look at the watch except to note what time it was when I started. I stayed on the jogging path and, this time, I decided I would see how far I could go without stopping. I wasn’t aiming for any specific distance, but I was going to make an effort to go as far as could, without putting too much strain on my body, and just get a benchmark for how far that was. The feeling of the whole run was really good: I was working, but not straining. I could have gone faster, but I wasn’t just casually strolling either—really good balance between “effort and ease,” with the focus on keeping the breathing steady and as easy as possible. And I surprised myself—I completed the whole path (1.5 miles, the most I’ve run since my foot surgery last October). I looked at my watch to see what time it was and was even more surprised to see that it had only taken about 12 minutes to run the whole path. 12 minutes?! That’s an even 8 minute/mile pace—only 30 seconds/mile off my old easy distance run pace! I was able to fit in a little over an hour of a post-run yoga practice. I was still kind of feeling out what to do without a teacher guiding me or having a set sequence of poses to do (like in my Ashtanga practice) but I just started moving and relaxing in the poses that felt really good and that felt like they were undoing the not-so-pleasant side-effects of running (tight hamstrings, hips, etc). It was so hard to get myself into the shower because what I was doing felt so good. I kept resetting my timer for “another 5 minutes” because I didn’t want to stop; I wasn’t done yet, lol. I left for work roughly on time, but not in enough time to eat breakfast before I left. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t immediately feel hungry after I go running. And it kind of feels like my stomach can’t really digest anything big immediately after a run.

Anyways, the second one felt pretty good too. Not “perfect” like the first one, but really good. But, I kept thinking about the 12 minutes…I had really run that 1.5 mile jogging path in only 12 minutes—without having been running consistently in a long time? It didn’t seem accurate. Maybe I had remembered my start time incorrectly. It kept nagging at me all throughout the next day. Then this morning, when I finally convinced myself to get out of bed, I decided I was going to go down and run it again. Except this time I would time it with my stopwatch—no mistaking the start time there. I went out with the goal of hitting that 12 minute time again. I started running and I immediately felt tired. I thought, “Ok, this is just the morning tiredness burning off, I’ll fall into the stride later.” I kept running, trying to hold the pace. I didn’t feel like I was falling into the stride. I felt tired. My breathing felt very labored—I wouldn’t have been able to talk to someone if they were right next to me (benchmark for determining if you’re running too hard). My upper back felt tight, my throat was starting to feel tight and to burn as well…nothing about the run felt good. This was not a casual, easeful jog, I was racing myself. I finally accepted about half-way through that there was no way that I had run that time on Monday if I was this tired right now and that early into my run. I let myself relax a little bit to a pace that felt slightly more comfortable but I was still running pretty hard. Coming up to the last stretch of path before the end, I picked up my pace a bit, to finish strong just like the competitive runner in me does for every run—not just the races and ended my run with my lungs and throat burning. I looked at my watch: 11 minutes 23 seconds. Roughly a 7 minute 30 seconds/mile pace—a.k.a, my old “easy distance” running pace. First thoughts: holy crap, I didn’t think I was hitting that time. Immediately followed by, that was too much. Yay, I surpassed the time I was trying to hit. Glad to know it’s still in me. But it did not feel good. There was nothing enjoyable about that run. I went home, unrolled my yoga mat and put my feet up the wall—which is becoming my go-to first pose of my post-run yoga practice. I just lay there on my mat; arms splayed feeling very deflated and beat. D-O-N-E.

I will say, however, that there was something really good that came out of pushing too hard—it provided a lot of information about how to structure my post-run yoga practice. The first thing I wanted to do once my breathing returned to normal wasn’t to stretch out my legs—it was to unlock and decompress my upper body. I don’t think I ever really noticed before exactly how tight and compressed your upper body gets from running. The focus is always on the legs and hips getting tight but it literally feels like your upper body gets squished. So, the majority of my practice was spent reversing that effect. Matsyasana (a.k.a “fish pose”) feels AMAZING after a run. Or, at the very least, a supported version where you’re lying on your back with a rolled up mat, block, blanket or whatever underneath your shoulder blades and letting the head hang back. Opens the throat and the upper back. You know what else also feels particularly great after a run? Laying belly-down over a rolled up mat—for those who don’t know, the rolled up mat goes roughly between your rib cage and pelvic bones. It feels really uncomfortable at first but then I could feel it decompressing my back.  I know from seeing previous photos of myself that I don’t have a significant sway back when I run, but I know I have a little bit of it—so the compression in the opposite direction feels really good.  On that same note, light ab work also felt really good because I’m pretty sure my abs were sleeping during my run.  It felt really good to wake them up and get them doing what they’re supposed to be doing–helping to hold up my body! (**side note: maybe I should do some of these BEFORE I run, so they’re awake when I need them…**)  

I can’t remember the exact sequence of the things that I did, but it focused heavily on lengthening and decompressing my upper body.  AFTER that is when I shifted my focus into the legs. Prasaritta Padottanasana (standing wide-legged forward fold) is becoming one of my favorite poses—stretches the hamstrings, inner line of the legs while simultaneously lengthening out the back. I was just starting to move into some slow Classical Sun Salutations—with an exaggerated focus on getting a stretch deep into the hip flexors—and starting to move into a bit of a flow when my timer went off. 7:30 a.m. Only 30 minutes to shower, get dressed and get out of the house.  Again—there was no time to ice the foot or to eat breakfast. It’s almost as though I need 3 ½ hours to myself in the morning: run, yoga, shower, ice & breakfast.

Either way, it’s a work in progress and the routine is starting to feel really good. When I’m not going crazy and pushing myself too far beyond where I’m at, the running feels really good. To quote my friend, it wakes up my brain. I’m loving the added ease I feel in walking and going up stairs that I get from my leg muscles getting stronger. Plus the movement just feels so good—when you do it right The information and direction its providing to my yoga practice is also really nice. Since injuring my shoulder that has been one thing that I really missed— my morning practice. Not even so much just the Ashtanga—I just missed having my own practice. It feels nice to have it again—no matter how short it is. It’s interesting though: my running informs and gives direction to my yoga practice via the tight muscles; and my yoga practice informs and guides my running practice—when I go out with the intention to just enjoy the movement and simply BE wherever I’m at with it, whether it’s slow, fast, tired, whatever, then the run feels better and my body isn’t stressed as much.  Ignore that and push it (at least for right now), then the effects aren’t as pleasant, even if the time is good. Which is an interesting change in itself.  It used to be just about improving my running times—now the focus is on the movement being pleasurable.

WireLESS part 2, the foot

Ok, I’m doing the “WireLESS” thing in multiple parts simply because it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything.  I have no idea how many “parts” this will have, I’m making this up as I go

Don’t worry, this one is going to be MUCH shorter than the first one!  It’s just a brief update on the state of the foot.  Swelling is down a ton; pain is minimal to none (as long as the swelling stays down) and the incision is sealed!  Tonight after soaking it, the top layer of dead skin peeled away to reveal a nice little pink scar:

You cannot (or maybe you can ) imagine how excited I was to see that!  The whole time I kept seeing the top layer not staying closed together and was getting kind of nervous when my dad clued me in and said, “No, that’s just dead skin!  That’s just going to fall off!”  I’m so excited because now, hopefully, the next step can happen!  Since I know the incision is healed, I’m going to start focusing on bringing more weight into my foot.  I noticed the other day that I’m not really walking in the cast boot.  I’m kind of just clunking it down when I step…and I’m leaning pretty far over to the right on that foot.  So, I’m going to try and start strengthening my foot while it is still protected in the boot but actually walking in it and distributing the weight more evenly.  I’m also taking the boot off at home and trying to just stand on it evenly.  I can already feel the muscles in the foot and ankle starting to work, so that’s probably going to be enough for now.

We’ll see what the doctor says next week….I’m thinking/hoping it will be along the lines of: “Let’s lose the boot and start physical therapy.”

 

WireLESS part 1, the yoga

Hello from the disconnected world of no home internet service!

I haven’t had internet access at home since one of my roommates moved out on October 30 and it’s kind of weird.  We’ve narrowed the problem down to the wireless router, not exactly sure why our computers have trouble picking it up: could be that it needs to be re-configured, it needs to be updated, it’s just dysfunctional and just needs to be replaced…whatever.  It both feels good to not have it, kind of like a leash has been broken, and to not because I’ve lost the “instant connection” to people and the “outside world.”  I don’t read the newspaper (save for the occasional free Metro paper) or have a television, so the internet is really the only source of information that I have.  Remember how I said earlier that I’ve kind of always been a hermit?  Well, being disconnected from the internet definitely appeals to my inner hermit  It’s like I always have these two sides in me that are always working against each other: one wants to squirrel herself away or disappear to some isolated place with no phone, no internet, no job or other people…just me living and doing my own thing away from other people and the structure of society.  Another part really enjoys being around other people (talking with them and listening to them tell stories about their lives) and wants to really see the world (different places and different ways of living) and experience it, rather than just observe it.  Not sure if that makes too much sense, but it’s just something that I’m kind of always mulling over in my head.

Kind of off on a tangent, but, anyways, the Hermit has been enjoying herself this week.  I’ve been really happy not having the instant connection to the “outside world” and just exploring and falling in love my yoga practice all over again.  That’s right, I’m back to practicing regularly.  At first, it was a Restorative class where my friend, teacher and master of props had the entire class in a deep state of relaxation where we were completely supported in a lazy-boy recliner of blankets, blocks, rolled up yoga mats and bolsters.  Then I ventured into a Forrest class, tucked myself into a back corner and explored ways to do the poses and move without putting any weight on my foot.  It felt good to move and stretch but it was hard to relax and just breathe because I was really focused on being sure that I wasn’t doing too much on my foot.  Good to make sure that my foot was protected, yes, but I really also like to let go and just move when I’m in class too.  But I kept visiting the Forrest classes with teachers who I knew to move through their sequences a little slower and I became more familiar with the modifications that I was coming up with and I was able to relax and enjoy my practice more.  I was also really happy to re-visit the things that I have come to love about the Forrest Yoga practice: the breath work in the beginning, easy stretches in the beginning to gently start opening up the body, moving slow enough to really feel the body in the pose…and even the abs.  Yes, I’m liking the ab work  I’m still a little conflicted over the type of ab work that we do in a Forrest class, but right now it feels pretty great.  I keep remembering what a track coach once told me, “You’re only as strong as your abs.”  True, true.  Everything feels a little less strenuous when my core is strong.

Anyways, I continued to let myself move slowly, rest and gradually explore and re-build my yoga practice, resisting my usual injury-inducing pattern of the “triple T’s: too much, too soon, too fast.”  Until last Monday night.  I came out of a meditation class and was just chillin’ on the couches and waiting for the locker room to clear out when my Mysore teacher, Kate O’Donnell, asked if I was heading into Peter Crowley’s Forrest class.  ”No, his classes move a little too much for me right now.”  Not to mention I am now realizing exactly how many standing sequences one does in a Forrest yoga class.  Then Kate said, “You can come in here and do seated…” 

It was like a little lightbulb went off in my head.  That’s right!!!  Despite Ashtanga being one of the more athletic styles of yoga, the majority of the Primary series is seated!”  And, courtesy of being able to move slowly in the Forrest yoga classes, I had developed a very workable version of a Classical Sun Salutation that kept my foot safe but still allowed me to flow.  So that covered the 5 Sun A’s and Sun B’s at the beginning of every Ashtanga class.  All that is left before the long series of seated poses are a handful of basic standing poses. This is definitely one of those times in life when knowing what is coming next actually makes it easier to adapt: I’ve spent the better part of the last year committing this series to memory!  That knowledge combined with all the other poses that I learned from other non-Ashtanga classes and teachers made it very easy to come up with seated versions of the standing poses.  Here’s another bit of irony: I spent the majority of my first months practicing Ashtanga modifying a lot of the poses because of cranky knees (they didn’t like me pushing them into poses the rest of my body wasn’t ready for…familiar theme, no?).  I got to revisit those same modifications in order to support my foot during the seated poses that ask for your foot to be in a not-so-good position for my foot right now (lotus).  

Anyways, the class was phenomenal.  It flowed so smoothly and it felt so good to really move again and to actually sweat!  It kind of felt like my body and mind finally got to wake up, like I had just gotten a boost of energy!  I don’t think I ever realized exactly how balancing, aligning and energizing the Ashtanga practice is…which feels particularly amazing after having your body physically thrown OUT of alignment!  Afterwards, Kate said, “You know, you can come into the Mysore room in the morning and do whatever crazy poses you want…as long as it’s not TOO crazy “  **Head-slap!**  Of course!  Again, I’ve been practicing Ashtanga Mysore-style for the past year (for those who don’t know, it’s a self-practice, meaning the teacher isn’t guiding you through the entire thing).  I have a place where I can combine the moving to my own pace, as slow as I need to, with the Ashtanga sequence.  I’ve gone back to the Mysore room a few times now.

Yes, to answer the question that I’m sure is on a few people’s minds, I can do ALL of this at home.  But I don’t work well at home, lol.  I’m lazy at home; all I want to do is lay around and relax…and play with handstands and forearm balances  Besides, I’m learning that healing can happen even faster, or at least easier, when you are around people and doing something you love.  For example: this past Sunday while I was practicing Mysore Ashtanga, another person walked in with a cast boot as well as a crutch.  I felt so excited to see that I wasn’t the only “peg-leg” gimping my way through the practice!  She practiced directly across from me and we both glanced at each other to see what version the other had made up, lol!  We were both pretty much doing the same modifications, though she did have one really good one that I was able to pick up.

In addition to being able to practice with friends again, I am so immensely grateful to the teachers at Back Bay Yoga for providing such a great open and supported space for me to come in and work with this.  Forrest Yoga is known well for being a very good practice for people working with injuries because it moves slow and has a focus on alignment…and because they work your abs, which, again, I’m continually reminded is essential for healing the body.  Ashtanga, on the other hand, can have a reputation of being super traditional and kind of strict, but I have an amazing and truly unique teacher who understands that it is better to be able to come in and practice something rather than nothing at all.  And something that I have started to realize is that practicing other styles actually helps make the Ashtanga practice more accessible.  And I feel so lucky to “fall in love” with my yoga practice all over again.  

Sounds cheesy, but whatever…it’s my blog  

Leaving my boot outside the Mysore room to chill with my teacher's flip flops while we all practice on the inside

Post Surgery Foot pictures

The sutures are out!  And, as promised, I have pictures to share.  Granted they were taken long after my appointment this morning–but, hey, my camera’s batteries decided to wimp out on me!

So, as of today it is ok for me to start getting my foot wet.  In fact, he wants me to start soaking it in a little foot bath of Epsom salts.  That didn’t happen tonight.  Today was also my first day back at work and, though it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be (the day actually kind of flew by because it was so hectic in the store and office today) my foot was not elevated as high as it had been during my time off.  So, by the time I got home, my toes kind of felt like sausages and my foot felt very warm with a kind of stinging sensation around the incision area.  The LAST thing I wanted to do was stick it in warm water!  So, I opted for laying on my back with my legs up the wall for immediate swelling relief!

….And a photo-op

 

This is what your foot looks like after 2 weeks of immobility and being wrapped up tight like a mummy!

 

One of the first things I’m looking forward to now that I can get the area wet is shaving my ENTIRE right leg! 

 

There it is! That's the incision that the doctor made in my foot! It's much bigger than I thought it would be. Gross

 

This is the other reason I opted NOT to soak my foot in a tub of Epsom salt…it’s still bleeding.  When I saw it this morning after my doctor took the sutures out, there was hardly any blood on it.  He did notice that the top layer of the skin wasn’t completely healed and told me to be careful because it was still trying to pull apart (really, it’s working against me, lol?).  When I took the bandage off tonight and saw that amount of blood, the last thought on my mind was “hey, I should soak this cut in a tub of SALT.”  Yeah, I think I’ll wait until it looks like it’s closed a little more. 

Preparing for re-entry

I go back to work tomorrow.

It’s been a full 2 weeks since my surgery.  It’s weird.  It feels like it’s been months but, at the same time, like hardly any time has passed and these weeks went by too quickly.  I can understand how it feels like it’s been months.  Time always seems to go by slower when you’re sitting around immobile.  But last week I started moving around more.  First to the dentist, then my doctor’s for my first post-op visit and then, finally, back to my yoga studio on Saturday.

As I said in an earlier post, at first, being out in the world again felt really weird.  Everything felt so much louder and I felt kind of socially awkward.  But getting the more I got to move around and feel the air and sunshine on my face, and get to be with my friends at the studio and run across other people I know, the less I wanted to be indoors and immobile.  A big part of me is definitely ready to leave the apartment and “be a part of the world” again.  I’m just not ready to go back to work.

Most of you know that I’ve been struggling with knowing that I no longer like what I do and desperately want to leave it.  The fact that I didn’t think about work at all while I was away only emphasizes my desire to leave it.  I didn’t wonder what was happening, if we were catching people (I work in the security department of a retail store), what was going on in the store…nothing.  I checked the Facebook wall of my friends that I have in the store, but that was it.  I felt no desire or remote longing to be anywhere near it…not even for the people I know there.  There are really nice and good people there, but it’s not enough to make me miss it or want to be there.  I’m trying not to think about it too much because I feel like, if I do, then I’m very likely to stay curled up in bed and not leave it, lol.  But 2 weeks are up.  No more disability pay, sick pay or personal days left for this year.  I have to go back.

I visited a nutritionist yesterday.  Among other things, she said that my heart was tired.  I thought to myself, “Yeah, no kidding!”  Though she was speaking more about the actual heart muscle itself being tired from not having enough protein in my diet, that’s also what it feels like.  Nearly everyday at work, that’s what it feels like.  It feels like it takes so much energy and strength to keep doing in a job and staying at a place that is just…not me.  It’s hard to put words to the feeling, other than what the nutritionist said yesterday, “Your heart is tired…”

I know I want to leave it, I know it hurts to stay there, but I have no idea where to go or what to do.  All I know right now, is that I need to stay.  Aside from money, I need the health insurance.  My foot isn’t completely healed yet.  I knew going back to work after having 2 weeks-14 DAYS-of resting and taking care of myself was going to be hard.  My only hope is that it’s not going to be as bad as I think it will be.  That (1) by writing out my feelings here will actually help release them, (2) by getting myself moving and doing things outside of the apartment will help lessen the “shell shock,” of going from hermit to work, (3) and by making sure I keep talking to the friends that I have there, it won’t be as bad…it might even be enjoyable.  And my yoga studio; it’s kind of my oasis.  Full of people who care about me and where I feel like I can actually relax and just enjoy doing something I love.  It’s so hard to leave it at night…I’m usually one of the last ones out even if I’m not working, lol.  And I get to “work” there 2 days a week and be there as much as I want when I’m not at “work-work.”  A friend that I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know more these past couple of weeks via Facebook is living very far away from the studio–North Carolina to be exact–and misses it terribly.  He calls it home.  Yeah…home

Oh, and my sutures come out tomorrow as well   My doctor joked that I could take as many pictures as I wanted after the sutures came out…I’m totally bringing my camera to my appointment tomorrow

My rose from the New England Baptist Hospital in full bloom & still alive 2 weeks after my surgery

Patience Donkey, patience

“They’re not ready to come out today.  Next week.”

To say that I was a little discouraged when my doctor said that he wasn’t going to be taking out the sutures today is kind of an understatement.  I was so excited when he was cutting off the bandage…it was kind of like opening a Christmas present.  What was inside?  More Orange Glo leftover from the surgery, deep black stitches (orange and black, how festive!) and a healing incision about an inch in length.  It was longer than I thought it was going to be!  It was kind of weird seeing a cut that big on my foot.  I asked him what it looked like inside and he said that the fragment looked like a small pebble and that it was much looser than he initially thought it to be.  He said that he could easily wiggle it around with a blunt object; so every time I took a step or tried running on it, it would move around and cause pain.  Good news: it’s gone (obviously) and the rest of the bone that I had fractured looked good.  Then I asked him if it was going to hurt when he took out the stitches.  “Oh no, these aren’t coming out today.  I’ll take them out next Thursday.”

What?!  And, if I’m remembering what he said correctly, I’ll still be in the cast boot for a while after the stitches come out.  It’s kind of like finishing a hard track practice–the kind that leaves your legs and chest burning–and then being told, “hang on, we’re going to do a couple more 800m repeaters.”  You kind of feel like just letting your legs collapse from underneath you and say, “I can’t.  I’m too tired.  No more.”  Just thinking about all the walking around in the cast boot, the pain developing in my lower back from my hips being so uneven when I walk, and the weeks of physical therapy that I know are still to come make me want to curl up in bed and go to sleep.  Yes, I know it’s still not going to be anywhere near as long as the first time.  Yes, I know I’ve been through worse and there are other people going through worse…but I’m tired.  I’m tired of having an injury and having pain in my body.  I’m tired of having to walk everywhere, especially when the injury I’ve been trying to recover from for over 2 years is in my foot; I’m tired of having to modify my life around this thing and not being able to really move or being able to participate in the things that I enjoy…or get to explore new things; I’m tired of my life feeling so restricted!

I can just hear my sister’s voice in my head, quoting one of our favorite lines from Shrek, “patience Donkey, patience…” Which makes me a little annoyed because I’m tired of being patient, but it also makes me smile because, well, it’s my sister’s voice, and my sister makes me smile   Look out the window of the doctor’s office and see the explosion of orange and red autumn colors in the trees; remember that this is the beginning of the end–this is the last lap around the track; think about all the things I’ll get to enjoy again once this is finally over: ice skating in the winter, hiking, easy runs early in the morning…“To live, would be an awfully big adventure” (gold star to anyone who knows what movie that’s from)…deep breath…that’s better 

Right then, time to leave the doctor’s office.  Stand up from the chair and, “OUCH!”  The new dressing on my foot is looser than the first one.  Good for circulation, (which is why the toes were still numb after the surgery medications wore off) not so good for pain. I didn’t realize how much the compression was keeping the pain factor down at a barely noticeable level!  The incision was made in the bend of my foot–where foot and leg meet.  Which means every time I try to flex it forward or backward (however slightly) it pulls at the incision.  I think maybe I’m ok with my foot still being cradled inside a cast boot after all.

It’s loud out there!

After spending a full week indoors and not really moving around too much (save the occasional play with yoga) I ventured out of the apartment today…for a visit to the dentist.  Nothing big, just a piece of an old filling that broke off and needed to be repaired.  Quick shot to the gum (ouch!), little drilling, add the filling then some sanding…good to go.

But it was weird being outside after a week of playing hermit.  Felt a little socially awkward and everything was so LOUD!  It’s like all the sounds were magnified…or maybe I’m just getting to realize exactly how loud everything is after not having to hear it all for a week!  However, it did feel really nice to move around a little bit more and to breathe some fresh air.  It was like my brain and body got a little shot of refreshing energy.  Kind of made me wonder, “Hey, where does the air in my apartment come from?  Most of the time the windows are shut?”  Probably from all the little nooks and crannies throughout the building.  But still, a BIG supply of fresh air felt really nice.  I was starting to feel so refreshed that I thought, “Hey, I’ll wander down to the yoga studio and say, ‘Hi’ to everyone!  It’s just 6 blocks down the street…”  Yeah…after walking a couple blocks, the foot started swelling and my right lower back started griping about how much it did NOT like being jammed up higher than the left side (still wearing the cast boot).

Back to the apartment and the comfy pjs!

Much better!  I’ll be making a second voyage outside tomorrow all the way down to Needham to finally get my sutures taken out–it was delayed 2 days because my doctor was sick…I’m cool with that

Maybe my doctor will let me take pictures of my foot while he’s removing the sutures…